Please, let me fuck your mom
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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