it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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