I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
my shit smells like andre
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
