either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
