I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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