Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
