Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
