Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
