Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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