It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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