So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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