My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
