Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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