I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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