you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
