Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
