When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
