dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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