It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
