i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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