after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
people are starting to question the shark bite story
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
