the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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