dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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