Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
