if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
