I think I just saw someone hide a body.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
