You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
