it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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