I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
