he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
