I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
