ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
