He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
