Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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