Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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