I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
