No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
