it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
