So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
