Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
