i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I think my fart just growled at me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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