ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
