a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
