There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
