On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
