Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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