I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
