I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
