Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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