just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
