if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
